Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I understand Curling. That high.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
