plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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