The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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