my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
