I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
