I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize