literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
