Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
