You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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