I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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