I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
