i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
