Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
