Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
