My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
