if i can run in heels then i can drive
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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