Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
