My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
