Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
