First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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