Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
