I can text with my tongue
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
