I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
