you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
