I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
