It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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