Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
