I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm having to shit out rocks
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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