I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
