her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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