Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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