What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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