What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
