How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize