It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
