I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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