I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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