you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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