Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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