Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
