I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
