I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
