you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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