Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
