She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
