I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
time to smoke my breakfast
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Randomize