cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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