someone threw a dead crab at me
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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