If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
