my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
