Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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