I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
