That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
