I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
