i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
