Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I checked into jail on foursquare
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
