im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
