Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
