That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
