Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
