I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
false alarm. still invincible.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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