3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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