It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
