i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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