I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
