she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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