I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
