so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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