Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize