You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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